Jonah Cash was born on October 1, two weeks early, following a preeclamptic roller coaster. He was tiny (by my standards) at 5lbs, 15oz, but is now 8 weeks old, close to 10 pounds, and doing great! (Ok, not sleeping for awesome chunks of time.. but no complaints!)
Right after turning 37 weeks, my bp just got wacky. It wasn't steady and low like it had been during the pregnancy, and like it always is when I'm not pregnant. It was starting to hover around the 130/80 mark while at rest. On Thursday, 9/27, I went to work but felt funky. I even called my sister and told her I felt like my uric acid levels were going up. (Not something one can actually feel, just a sign of impending preeclampsia, and a strong intuition I was having.) I had one session with a client, but just felt kind of "off." I had a mild headache and felt a touch foggy and confused, just not like myself. I also felt anxious, with a sense of unknown doom. I took my blood pressure after the session and it was high. 142/95. I called my doctor and made a plan to meet at the hospital. Brian came and picked me up - I didn't feel like I could/should drive. I cried. It wasn't supposed to be like this.. again.
In the car, with the Chicago afternoon rush hour picking up, I felt more anxious and more and more off. My bp stayed high as I sat in the car. We live a few blocks from the hospital so we decided to swing by and grab my pre-packed bag, which our sitter put out on the porch for me. It was impossible not to go inside and see the boys, knowing I might be admitted and in the hospital for a while. We spent less than 5 minutes at home, but by the time I got back in the car, and after not resting, my bp shot up to 151/105. It has never been that high in my life, not even when I was in full-blown HELLP syndrome. Long story short, I was in/out of the hospital for 24 hour observation and labs. An amniocentesis showed that Jonah's lungs weren't quite developed enough to risk the c-section given that my labs were all still coming back (just barely) normal. Dr. B. sent me home on strict bedrest, knowing I'd call if anything got worse. I laid in bed feeling anxious and having that "general malaise" feeling. By Sunday afternoon, I just didn't feel right. My resting bp was creeping up further into the hypertensive range. We went back to the hospital. My uric acid had gone up a lot since the previous Friday. They scheduled me for a c-section first thing in the morning.
All-in-all, I feel that the situation was handled really well. The combined efforts of my medical knowledge and intuition, with support/guidance from information on the Preeclampsia Foundation's website - www.preeclampsia.org - and my trusting OB with her balanced but proactive approach kept me from getting sicker while also making sure the baby could stay in my belly as long as possible. I wish all women with preeclampsia had this kind of knowledge, support and outcome.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Here I Am .. Again..
I am 37 weeks pregnant. Full term - this little guy and I made it! :)
This is my second post-HELLP pregnancy. Brian and I didn't plan to risk another pregnancy after Elliott was born 16 months ago, but we were glowing in the aftermath of a pregnancy and birth experience that was so amazingly opposite the trauma of the first that we just weren't careful like we'd been in the years following Gavin's birth. I certainly NEVER thought I'd get to be one of those women who flippantly, innocently got accidentally and joyfully pregnant. It's been really weird to integrate the sense of joy and serendipity with the level of irresponsibility that I feel for putting myself and this baby at risk.
I can't believe I haven't posted this whole pregnancy. I find myself needing the outlet of this blog for the first time in almost a year and a half. I have been so calm and anxiety-free for most of the pregnancy, just enjoying my lucky chance at getting to do this all over again. I've been super duper healthy, following a rigid diabetic diet, working out, and only gaining about 15 pounds. The baby is healthy and strong. I haven't had anything to worry about. I could almost pretend that I'm not someone who has to worry.
But now I find myself right back in a very familiar place. My blood pressure is creeping up. It's getting higher later in the day, and at night, and not responding a whole lot to resting. I am starting to feel just a little off. Nothing crazy, just not great. I got my official orders from my wonderful OB last week. If it gets to 130/80 and stays there for an hour, I am to call her and meet her at the hospital to get the baby out. It's been hovering right around that range most nights for the last couple of weeks. This has turned into a really challenging waiting game. I'm also contending with surgery anxiety, as this birth will be a c-section no matter what. I'm scheduled to have one two weeks from tomorrow morning at 39 weeks.
Just rambling. 124/61. Ah, look at that. A little blogging and my bp drops.
Thanks for being out there.
This is my second post-HELLP pregnancy. Brian and I didn't plan to risk another pregnancy after Elliott was born 16 months ago, but we were glowing in the aftermath of a pregnancy and birth experience that was so amazingly opposite the trauma of the first that we just weren't careful like we'd been in the years following Gavin's birth. I certainly NEVER thought I'd get to be one of those women who flippantly, innocently got accidentally and joyfully pregnant. It's been really weird to integrate the sense of joy and serendipity with the level of irresponsibility that I feel for putting myself and this baby at risk.
I can't believe I haven't posted this whole pregnancy. I find myself needing the outlet of this blog for the first time in almost a year and a half. I have been so calm and anxiety-free for most of the pregnancy, just enjoying my lucky chance at getting to do this all over again. I've been super duper healthy, following a rigid diabetic diet, working out, and only gaining about 15 pounds. The baby is healthy and strong. I haven't had anything to worry about. I could almost pretend that I'm not someone who has to worry.
But now I find myself right back in a very familiar place. My blood pressure is creeping up. It's getting higher later in the day, and at night, and not responding a whole lot to resting. I am starting to feel just a little off. Nothing crazy, just not great. I got my official orders from my wonderful OB last week. If it gets to 130/80 and stays there for an hour, I am to call her and meet her at the hospital to get the baby out. It's been hovering right around that range most nights for the last couple of weeks. This has turned into a really challenging waiting game. I'm also contending with surgery anxiety, as this birth will be a c-section no matter what. I'm scheduled to have one two weeks from tomorrow morning at 39 weeks.
Just rambling. 124/61. Ah, look at that. A little blogging and my bp drops.
Thanks for being out there.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Elliott is here!
Nearly 39 weeks of holding my breath and Elliott is finally here, sweet, safe, and happy!
I did not develop HELLP Syndrome, and also never developed preeclampsia! Thaat things were smooth and uncomplicated, despite my best effort.
So here is the birth story, if you care to hear it... it's something I really only want to tell once so I can move on from the sad parts and continue basking in the joy of this sweet little baby!
Elliot Patrick was born around 2am on Saturday morning, May 7, and he's so sweet and peaceful and wonderful! We are in love. He's a little string bean at 7lbs 1oz, 21 inches. Gavin is LOVING his new brother, "I love he!"
The 2 days between my "baby's coming" email and the hours leading up to his birth were a mixed bag. My water broke on Thursday night. I was already 7cm (!!!) dilated as of earlier that morning, so the midwives thought things would go very quickly once they started. My midwife, Amy, had lost her voice, so we IM'd while I stayed home and waited for things to get going. We agreed to meet at the hospital at 1am on Thurs. night/ Fri. morning because I had to have IV antibiotics for my group B strep sooner than later once my water broke.
Once at the hospital, we were so excited to get things moving along. Even though my contractions were mild, they were coming regularly (and had been for weeks) so they admitted me to the alternative birthing center where the birth tub of my dreams sat waiting. We settled in, loading up the fridge, setting up pictures, and putting on music. I was strapped to the fetal monitor and got my hep-lock, not fun or natural-feeling, but two of the requirements for VBAC patients. Amy brought in the breast pump which I used for hours in addition to walking, squatting, moving on the birth ball, and any other physical motion we could think of to urge my uterus along. After a long night with no true labor started, I took castor oil the next morning, shooting down more than 2 ounces, only to end up with nauseating diarrhea for hours, with no effect on my uterus. I was getting very frustrated, but remained hopeful and continued using physical measures, as well as visualizing and meditating throughout the day to stay relaxed, focused and open to the birthing process.
In the morning, our monitrice, Tanya, came and offered her support as well as homeopathy, quantum touch and energy work to help my body progress. Nothing was working. My contractions were getting weaker, if anything. Sometime in the late afternoon, Amy explained that my cervix hadn't dilated any more, and that my bag of waters, though broken, was still full and bulging. She explained that the risk of breaking the bag (in my situation) was that the baby had floated higher up and there was a chance of umbilical cord prolapse, a very dangerous situation that would lead to a c-section under general anesthesia. We all agreed not to chance it. The only option left was to move to a regular medical room for pitocin. We were really, really upset about leaving the ABC, and about needing pitocin, since it had been so horrible in my first labor with Gavin. Amy was also unsure about what she was feeling when she checked me. It seemed that the baby had changed his once perfect position to more of a face first presentation. She also felt an unexplained ridge along the inside of my uterus that she couldn't make sense of. She ordered an ultrasound to look at what was going on.
They started the pitocin and, again, nothing happened. Because I was a VBAC patient, they only increased it in small increments and couldn't give me the full dose. I thought, at first, that was why things weren't moving along. The ultrasound showed some curious abnormalities and we waited patiently for the radiologist to call with results. Instead of reassuring us, he made a vague reference to a growth on the baby's head, and the possibility that it was some sort of a brain problem. We were so scared and tried to focus on the present moment and the joy that we felt that we were close to meeting our baby.
A while later, the tech came back with another ultrasound machine and took images from another angle. Brian and I waited alone for 40 minutes while our team consulted with the radiology team. It was a very, very long 40 minutes and we cried a lot. We eventually got the good news that they did not think there was a problem with his brain, but that he had some kind of hematoma on his head and there was something odd about my uterus. At this point, with the pitocin not having an effect on my body, we decided to call in the OB, and we decided together that a c-section was the best option. I stayed very focused on doing what was best for the baby and for my body, trying so hard to stay strong and positive despite my intense disappointment and fear. They got me ready very quickly, but our team was amazing at supporting us emotionally as we fought off triggering the trauma from our last birth experience. The greatest part was that I was awake! I was able to experience a live birth for the very first time in my life! Brian sat next to my head and we looked into each other's eyes with joy as we waited for the sweet coos of our baby when he was lifted from my womb. The team was incredible and kept the operating room peaceful. Amy later told us that it was the most peaceful c-section she's ever attended. It really was the best possible situation for a worst case scenario.
Elliott made the softest sweetest noises when he was born, bringing tears to Brian's and my eyes before we even saw him. The two neonatalogists immediately examined him, finding him to be quite healthy with no head or brain damage, then they handed him to Brian who carried him over to me and we all nuzzled our faces together as the OB sewed me back together. They let him stay in the OR extra long, which was so wonderful. We were only separated for about a half hour as they further examined him in the nursery. They brought him to me in the post-op recovery room and he was with us from then on, tiny and sweet.
It turns out I had a super rare thing called a Bandl ring, which is when the uterus develops a thick band that makes a vaginal delivery impossible, and creates an inevitable uterine rupture without timely delivery. From what I can tell, it's even more rare than HELLP syndrome! It's really hard to find solid information about it on the internet. I am still in shock that I developed another potentially life-threatening disorder for both me and Elliott. I haven't even begun to process the emotions of the situation. I am just grateful that I was in good care. And, no, I didn't develop HELLP again, nor did I ever develop preeclampsia, although some of the early indicators were present for the last month or so.
Nursing is going well. Elliott's as healthy as can be and is almost up to his birth weight. I'm starting to heal, though I'm still spending most of my time on the couch. Our emotional healing will take a while, but overall I feel really, really good and happy this time. I am looking forward to enjoying the postpartum period and being a fully present mom to my boys. What a gift! I am finally understanding what it feels like to give birth without sliding into the darkness of depression. I am sooo happy!!
Thanks for your support!
Amy
I did not develop HELLP Syndrome, and also never developed preeclampsia! Thaat things were smooth and uncomplicated, despite my best effort.
So here is the birth story, if you care to hear it... it's something I really only want to tell once so I can move on from the sad parts and continue basking in the joy of this sweet little baby!
Elliot Patrick was born around 2am on Saturday morning, May 7, and he's so sweet and peaceful and wonderful! We are in love. He's a little string bean at 7lbs 1oz, 21 inches. Gavin is LOVING his new brother, "I love he!"
The 2 days between my "baby's coming" email and the hours leading up to his birth were a mixed bag. My water broke on Thursday night. I was already 7cm (!!!) dilated as of earlier that morning, so the midwives thought things would go very quickly once they started. My midwife, Amy, had lost her voice, so we IM'd while I stayed home and waited for things to get going. We agreed to meet at the hospital at 1am on Thurs. night/ Fri. morning because I had to have IV antibiotics for my group B strep sooner than later once my water broke.
Once at the hospital, we were so excited to get things moving along. Even though my contractions were mild, they were coming regularly (and had been for weeks) so they admitted me to the alternative birthing center where the birth tub of my dreams sat waiting. We settled in, loading up the fridge, setting up pictures, and putting on music. I was strapped to the fetal monitor and got my hep-lock, not fun or natural-feeling, but two of the requirements for VBAC patients. Amy brought in the breast pump which I used for hours in addition to walking, squatting, moving on the birth ball, and any other physical motion we could think of to urge my uterus along. After a long night with no true labor started, I took castor oil the next morning, shooting down more than 2 ounces, only to end up with nauseating diarrhea for hours, with no effect on my uterus. I was getting very frustrated, but remained hopeful and continued using physical measures, as well as visualizing and meditating throughout the day to stay relaxed, focused and open to the birthing process.
In the morning, our monitrice, Tanya, came and offered her support as well as homeopathy, quantum touch and energy work to help my body progress. Nothing was working. My contractions were getting weaker, if anything. Sometime in the late afternoon, Amy explained that my cervix hadn't dilated any more, and that my bag of waters, though broken, was still full and bulging. She explained that the risk of breaking the bag (in my situation) was that the baby had floated higher up and there was a chance of umbilical cord prolapse, a very dangerous situation that would lead to a c-section under general anesthesia. We all agreed not to chance it. The only option left was to move to a regular medical room for pitocin. We were really, really upset about leaving the ABC, and about needing pitocin, since it had been so horrible in my first labor with Gavin. Amy was also unsure about what she was feeling when she checked me. It seemed that the baby had changed his once perfect position to more of a face first presentation. She also felt an unexplained ridge along the inside of my uterus that she couldn't make sense of. She ordered an ultrasound to look at what was going on.
They started the pitocin and, again, nothing happened. Because I was a VBAC patient, they only increased it in small increments and couldn't give me the full dose. I thought, at first, that was why things weren't moving along. The ultrasound showed some curious abnormalities and we waited patiently for the radiologist to call with results. Instead of reassuring us, he made a vague reference to a growth on the baby's head, and the possibility that it was some sort of a brain problem. We were so scared and tried to focus on the present moment and the joy that we felt that we were close to meeting our baby.
A while later, the tech came back with another ultrasound machine and took images from another angle. Brian and I waited alone for 40 minutes while our team consulted with the radiology team. It was a very, very long 40 minutes and we cried a lot. We eventually got the good news that they did not think there was a problem with his brain, but that he had some kind of hematoma on his head and there was something odd about my uterus. At this point, with the pitocin not having an effect on my body, we decided to call in the OB, and we decided together that a c-section was the best option. I stayed very focused on doing what was best for the baby and for my body, trying so hard to stay strong and positive despite my intense disappointment and fear. They got me ready very quickly, but our team was amazing at supporting us emotionally as we fought off triggering the trauma from our last birth experience. The greatest part was that I was awake! I was able to experience a live birth for the very first time in my life! Brian sat next to my head and we looked into each other's eyes with joy as we waited for the sweet coos of our baby when he was lifted from my womb. The team was incredible and kept the operating room peaceful. Amy later told us that it was the most peaceful c-section she's ever attended. It really was the best possible situation for a worst case scenario.
Elliott made the softest sweetest noises when he was born, bringing tears to Brian's and my eyes before we even saw him. The two neonatalogists immediately examined him, finding him to be quite healthy with no head or brain damage, then they handed him to Brian who carried him over to me and we all nuzzled our faces together as the OB sewed me back together. They let him stay in the OR extra long, which was so wonderful. We were only separated for about a half hour as they further examined him in the nursery. They brought him to me in the post-op recovery room and he was with us from then on, tiny and sweet.
It turns out I had a super rare thing called a Bandl ring, which is when the uterus develops a thick band that makes a vaginal delivery impossible, and creates an inevitable uterine rupture without timely delivery. From what I can tell, it's even more rare than HELLP syndrome! It's really hard to find solid information about it on the internet. I am still in shock that I developed another potentially life-threatening disorder for both me and Elliott. I haven't even begun to process the emotions of the situation. I am just grateful that I was in good care. And, no, I didn't develop HELLP again, nor did I ever develop preeclampsia, although some of the early indicators were present for the last month or so.
Nursing is going well. Elliott's as healthy as can be and is almost up to his birth weight. I'm starting to heal, though I'm still spending most of my time on the couch. Our emotional healing will take a while, but overall I feel really, really good and happy this time. I am looking forward to enjoying the postpartum period and being a fully present mom to my boys. What a gift! I am finally understanding what it feels like to give birth without sliding into the darkness of depression. I am sooo happy!!
Thanks for your support!
Amy
Saturday, April 30, 2011
38 Weeks and Can't Decide What to Do!
I am sitting here with a bottle of castor oil trying to decide what to do.
Tomorrow I turn 38 weeks. The baby has dropped down. I am 2+ cm dilated, with the help of having my membranes swept twice last week. I have had bloody show all week and off and on really crampy contractions as well. But nothing lasts. Overall, I am feeling really good. When I connect with the baby, I feel a sense of patience and peace. I would like to let that be my guide.
I'm just not sure I have that luxury. And I am trying so hard not to be angry or anxious because of that.
My traumatized brain is focused on my lab results, especially my elevated protein level from my weekly 24 hour urine collections. Last week it was 224. They will have to intervene if it gets to 300. While it has fluctuated between 120-240 for the past month, it has been higher than the normal level of 150 all but one time. I'll get my next results back on Tuesday, which has me diving into a race against days, trying to encourage this baby to come before we get to Tuesday and have to worry about a medical induction or repeat c-section. My blood pressure has also been creeping up.. not hypertensive, but just creeping up. Of course, with all that we have going on, that makes sense.
On top of those concerns, my husband is really freaking out. Well, to be fair, we closed on a house last Monday and we're moving on Tuesday so there is a LOT going on for him stress-wise. But he is so scared about my and the baby's health and he just wants the baby to come and the birth to happen to alleviate his anxiety and fear. It's really tough because it's turning into tons of stress and tension, which is not the headspace you want to be in with your partner as your birth approaches.
I knew this would be sooo hard emotionally, this post-HELLP pregnancy. But I am really feeling it as we near the end. I am going to take my second dose of Chinese herbs (for induction) and go for a very long walk. I have also had acupuncture today and yesterday and will go back tomorrow as another mild means of getting things going.
Well, I guess I will walk and take this second dose and see what happens, and will consider taking the castor oil later tonight. I'm afraid of it being too much like my pitocin experience from last time.
Breathe.
Thanks for being out there and sending your support!!
Tomorrow I turn 38 weeks. The baby has dropped down. I am 2+ cm dilated, with the help of having my membranes swept twice last week. I have had bloody show all week and off and on really crampy contractions as well. But nothing lasts. Overall, I am feeling really good. When I connect with the baby, I feel a sense of patience and peace. I would like to let that be my guide.
I'm just not sure I have that luxury. And I am trying so hard not to be angry or anxious because of that.
My traumatized brain is focused on my lab results, especially my elevated protein level from my weekly 24 hour urine collections. Last week it was 224. They will have to intervene if it gets to 300. While it has fluctuated between 120-240 for the past month, it has been higher than the normal level of 150 all but one time. I'll get my next results back on Tuesday, which has me diving into a race against days, trying to encourage this baby to come before we get to Tuesday and have to worry about a medical induction or repeat c-section. My blood pressure has also been creeping up.. not hypertensive, but just creeping up. Of course, with all that we have going on, that makes sense.
On top of those concerns, my husband is really freaking out. Well, to be fair, we closed on a house last Monday and we're moving on Tuesday so there is a LOT going on for him stress-wise. But he is so scared about my and the baby's health and he just wants the baby to come and the birth to happen to alleviate his anxiety and fear. It's really tough because it's turning into tons of stress and tension, which is not the headspace you want to be in with your partner as your birth approaches.
I knew this would be sooo hard emotionally, this post-HELLP pregnancy. But I am really feeling it as we near the end. I am going to take my second dose of Chinese herbs (for induction) and go for a very long walk. I have also had acupuncture today and yesterday and will go back tomorrow as another mild means of getting things going.
Well, I guess I will walk and take this second dose and see what happens, and will consider taking the castor oil later tonight. I'm afraid of it being too much like my pitocin experience from last time.
Breathe.
Thanks for being out there and sending your support!!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
35 Weeks and Whole
I have moved into a very positive and peaceful headspace about this pregnancy. My protein in my last 24 hour urine collection was back down to 120 (150 = cut-off0 which helped a lot. Every other result I've gotten in the last week has been fantastic. I'm still waiting to hear from Ananth (the pre-e researcher) regarding a "prediction" of remaining healthy. The real thing that helped me make this shift, which feels very much like where I'll stay from here to the birth, was going to the Family Birth Center at West Suburban with Brian last Monday night for our orientation. I was so excited to see it, but also hesitant to get too enthused since I still have to make it to 37 weeks and remain healthy enough to not "risk out" of the FBC. But I had this magical, clairvoyant moment when I walked into the second room in the FBC. I *just knew* that it was the room where I'll give birth. It was an overwhelming sensation. I felt so peaceful, happy, grounded and sure right away. I am carrying that energy with me as I deal with the multitude of appointments in the coming weeks that scream "You are not normal! You might get sick! Your body might fail again!"
I had my 34 week appointment on Friday with Cynthia, one of the midwives I hadn't met yet. I also had another NST (non-stress test) during which the baby looked fantastic. Her (?) heart rate remains 130ish and has been consistently at that rate for a while now. I don't know the heart rate gender prediction thing, so feel free to comment if you have a guess! Because I'll be hooked up to that fetal monitor twice a week from now on, and will be doing so while alone in a recliner for 20 minutes, I am using that time to meditate on positive energy and birth affirmations. In trying to find the positive in all of this over-monitoring, I realized that hearing the rhythm of the baby's heart for 20 straight minutes is a really beautiful and centering thing. It's a nice addition to my meditation. It's also incredible how much the baby responds to me. When I'm calm and/or sending the baby peaceful and loving intentions, her heart rate is low. But if the nurse comes in to check my blood pressure or asks a question that brings up self-doubt or my traumatic stress response, the baby's heart beat goes up right away, even if I am "feeling calm" or trying not to react. For example, this past time they took my bp using the same kind of automated cuff that I had on my arm in the hospital that squeezed the crap out of my arm every 15 minutes for 3+ days. When she put that cuff on me and it started to squeeze, the baby's heart rate jumped up from 123 into the 160s. The second it released and I centered myself, the rate dropped back down. The connection is just amazing and I need to remember that throughout the birth and newborn time. I know that my stress and trauma during birth and postpartum is a major part of Gavin's intensity and difficulty with self-regulating.
I have yet another 24 hour urine collection starting in the morning. Last week Brian was great and said, "Don't let this defeat you! We don't have to stay home all day! Let's put your jug in a cute bag and go somewhere." We went to a nearby restaurant and sat outside for a late lunch. All was good until I had to actually go to the bathroom and in the tight quarters with my giant belly ended up spilling some of the urine down my jeans. I cried and cried, then reminded myself that it would be a funny story someday and pulled myself together. Tomorrow is going to be the warmest day of the year, and I do NOT want to stay inside this hellhole townhouse trap of a rental just because I have to pee into a jug all day. I guess I'll try again.
I have my next midwives appointment already on Monday along with an NST and blood draw. I will go back again every Monday and Thursday from here on out. I pretty much get results of one kind or another every day, so I'm trying not to focus on that. I've asked them to only call me if there is a problem with my results.
I am stunned by the number of people from my mom to my former supervisor who have told me lately that I just "look healthy" this time and they couldn't really put their finger on it last time, but I just seemed bloated. I know it's hard and socially unacceptable to tell a pregnant woman she looks bloated, but please people if you notice that happening to someone SAY SOMETHING!
Oh, and I've been getting slightly crampy from time to time recently. My Braxton-Hicks contractions are still very prominent (and have been since week 22). They are getting higher and higher such that my entire uterus is soooo tight and uncomfortable quite a bit of the time. I am taking it as a sign from my body that everything is starting slowly into motion. It's part of this whole sense of trusting this baby and her energy of constancy. She is still moving a ton and you can see feet, knees, elbows, etc. shifting across my belly at any given time.
My theme of the week:
Wholeness
I had my 34 week appointment on Friday with Cynthia, one of the midwives I hadn't met yet. I also had another NST (non-stress test) during which the baby looked fantastic. Her (?) heart rate remains 130ish and has been consistently at that rate for a while now. I don't know the heart rate gender prediction thing, so feel free to comment if you have a guess! Because I'll be hooked up to that fetal monitor twice a week from now on, and will be doing so while alone in a recliner for 20 minutes, I am using that time to meditate on positive energy and birth affirmations. In trying to find the positive in all of this over-monitoring, I realized that hearing the rhythm of the baby's heart for 20 straight minutes is a really beautiful and centering thing. It's a nice addition to my meditation. It's also incredible how much the baby responds to me. When I'm calm and/or sending the baby peaceful and loving intentions, her heart rate is low. But if the nurse comes in to check my blood pressure or asks a question that brings up self-doubt or my traumatic stress response, the baby's heart beat goes up right away, even if I am "feeling calm" or trying not to react. For example, this past time they took my bp using the same kind of automated cuff that I had on my arm in the hospital that squeezed the crap out of my arm every 15 minutes for 3+ days. When she put that cuff on me and it started to squeeze, the baby's heart rate jumped up from 123 into the 160s. The second it released and I centered myself, the rate dropped back down. The connection is just amazing and I need to remember that throughout the birth and newborn time. I know that my stress and trauma during birth and postpartum is a major part of Gavin's intensity and difficulty with self-regulating.
I have yet another 24 hour urine collection starting in the morning. Last week Brian was great and said, "Don't let this defeat you! We don't have to stay home all day! Let's put your jug in a cute bag and go somewhere." We went to a nearby restaurant and sat outside for a late lunch. All was good until I had to actually go to the bathroom and in the tight quarters with my giant belly ended up spilling some of the urine down my jeans. I cried and cried, then reminded myself that it would be a funny story someday and pulled myself together. Tomorrow is going to be the warmest day of the year, and I do NOT want to stay inside this hellhole townhouse trap of a rental just because I have to pee into a jug all day. I guess I'll try again.
I have my next midwives appointment already on Monday along with an NST and blood draw. I will go back again every Monday and Thursday from here on out. I pretty much get results of one kind or another every day, so I'm trying not to focus on that. I've asked them to only call me if there is a problem with my results.
I am stunned by the number of people from my mom to my former supervisor who have told me lately that I just "look healthy" this time and they couldn't really put their finger on it last time, but I just seemed bloated. I know it's hard and socially unacceptable to tell a pregnant woman she looks bloated, but please people if you notice that happening to someone SAY SOMETHING!
Oh, and I've been getting slightly crampy from time to time recently. My Braxton-Hicks contractions are still very prominent (and have been since week 22). They are getting higher and higher such that my entire uterus is soooo tight and uncomfortable quite a bit of the time. I am taking it as a sign from my body that everything is starting slowly into motion. It's part of this whole sense of trusting this baby and her energy of constancy. She is still moving a ton and you can see feet, knees, elbows, etc. shifting across my belly at any given time.
My theme of the week:
Wholeness
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Keeping Calm
I just got back from my weekly midwife appointment. I have a lot of news, a lot of numbers, a lot of anxiety, and a lot of feelings. I'm going to share it all here to just get it out so I can clear my head and start my work day.
- My results for my 32 week bloodwork came back great! My platelets were 185,000! And liver function, uric acid, proteins... all looked great!
- However, my results from my 32 week 24 hour urine collection came back high. The level is supposed to be under 150 and it was 174.9. For scale, 300 is severe preeclampsia. Now, I never had proteinuria in my last pregnancy and I've been told I may have some slight kidney damage from HELLP Syndrome that would make my proteins a bit high. But my 12 week results were normal, and my 28 week results were "inconclusive" which was read as having levels too low to read, so normal. I am really nervous about this one. Amy, the midwife I met with this morning is consulting with the head midwife, Gayle, this afternoon so I will know more later today.
- My blood pressure was good today. 120/70.
- I now have to do Non-Stress Tests (NSTs) for the baby at every appointment. This involves sitting in a recliner for 20 minutes with fetal monitors on my belly. (These are the same fetal monitors I'll have to wear during labor, only I'll be able to be mobile and also get in the tub or shower.) Today's NST was great! It was really neat to see how when I relaxed or talked to the baby calmly that her/his heart rate went down. Starting at week 35 (I'm at the end of 33 now) I'll have to do these NSTs twice a week!
- I have to have weekly ultrasounds for a biophysical exam of the baby. Just another extra thing. As of now, things look wonderful!
- I have to have my blood drawn for HELLP-related tests every week now. 4 or 5 vials. They'll check my liver function, platelet count, hemoglobin and hemocrit (I think), uric acid and some other things. So far so good on this stuff.
- I am still dealing with some concerns about gestational diabetes. The midwives told me today that I do have gestational diabetes. There was confusion at my former OB practice about whether or not I'm diagnosable as they used a brand new test. I only had 1 of the 3 results come back high, and only a couple points high. However, the midwives, who aren't yet using tihs new test, looked into the diagnostic criteria and found that having one number high is diagnosable. They drew blood today to test my A1C. Since Tuesday night, I've been monitoring my blood glucose myself 4 times a day. So far, I have been within normal range. I seem to have a worse time when I'm not eating. There is potentially a relationship between HELLP and glucose intolerance. So when I haven't eaten in a while (like overnight) my body is producing glucose like a normal person, but then not responding in a normal way to balance it out and keep it from going overboard. This type of diabetic response is more like a Type 1 insulin resistant type, so dietary changes aren't necessarily the answer, but they're still asking me to limit my carbs. I'm trying very hard to eat 30-40g of carbs 6 times a day. I'm getting used to the finger pricking and time tracking, as well as the breaks between snacks as I have to wait two hours after eating to test my blood. I have been soooooooo hungry!!!
- I am feeling very, very anxious. My traumatized self is ready to kick into action, preparing as best I can for an early baby or a huge disappointment in not being able to deliver in the Alternative Birthing Center. My whole self is still feeling good. Healthy. Excited. Somewhat calm. Patient. But days like today, I just get totally thrown off by something like a high protein count in my 24 hour urine collection, something that's never "gone wrong" before. I've even been able to keep a pretty straight head despite my glucose issues.
- I am spending a lot of energy focusing on the baby and connecting to her/him. We are reassuring each other. This baby is so constant, reliable, patient, peaceful and optimistic. It's really amazing energy to be carrying inside your body. When I go there.. to the baby's energy... I feel calm, happy and excited. I don't worry about all of the details and numbers and problems. I'm trying to keep myself there....
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