Trying Not to Get Down

I existed on a happy cloud of initial joy and early nausea for about 2 days before being derailed by the news that my husband's best friend, like a brother to us, has cancer. The juxtaposition of the two stories, the life and death feeling of it all, is trying hard to drag me down. On top of that, I am spending every free second trying to research OBs in Chicago who are VBAC-friendly, stellar C-section surgeons, and affiliated with a hospital with a great NICU (just in case).  My anxiety is building as my "high risk" designation flies over my head like a giant banner.

During my research during G's nap this afternoon, I fell into the forums on the Preeclampsia Foundation's site. Don't ask me why I started reading a thread about low milk production following HELLP. Reading some of those posts just brought it all back. I process feelings about certain parts of my experience, but there's always something left undone, waiting to be noticed, remembered. Like how Brian came into the recovery room just as I was regaining consciousness and tried his best to pump milk from my nearly alive body. It just sucks to have had HELLP. It sucks forever. No matter how positive I try to be, how much therapy I do, how much acupuncture or other healing I seek, I just can't stop hating my experience with HELLP. Yes, I have a healthy child, and I realize I'm one of the lucky, lucky ones. But I still struggle with letting go of my anger.

This post is certainly not in the vein of being positive. Since I started tapping this out earlier this afternoon, I found an OB practice that I'm actually pretty excited about making an appointment with. So that's hopeful.