Birth Story Retold

I am going to tell you a story. And it is just that.

.........................

Reluctantly, I closed my eyes and went underwater. At first, I was afraid of drowning. But then I settled into the comfort of the water, the flowy-ness, the weightlessness. I held my breath until I realized that I could breathe there. And I opened my eyes and I could see. There was a warm yellow glow somewhere below me. I swam softly towards it.

I swam all the way to the bottom where I saw a whole community of women who were nurturing, open, loving, friendly and enlightened. They exuded warmth and presence. They welcomed me onto a plush pink sofa, where I sat, then laid down before they led me to the twisting roots at the bottom of an underwater tree. There was a door and I entered into the warmth where there were glowing candle lanterns, brightly colored adornments, artsy things that I loved. It felt like a spiritual home.

I sat in a very old, comfy pink chair and all of the women went with me to collect the ugly brown pieces of the birth story I had been remembering, and to help me patch it together into a story in which I had all that I needed.

One of them stood with me in the yellow kitchen as I took the phone call from Sarah, my midwife. She held my hand and helped me ask the questions I needed to ask to understand what was happening within my body, and what it meant about me and the baby. After I hung up, she reassured me that my baby was okay, and that I'd be okay, and she gave me as much time to process this information as I needed. Time stood still.

Then she held me, and hugged me so warmly as I cried and let myself feel all of the loss, sadness, hopelessness, fear and anger. By the time Brian got home, I was centered and calm, and she helped him understand too. We took our time getting to the hospital and we were never apart.

In the hospital room, the tribe of women surrounded us. The lights were out, and they all had candles and were making me stew. I was so hungry. They removed all of the IVs and monitors from the room and created a safe place of love around the three of us. Brian and I laid  in our own bed, face to face, and held my belly and told the baby that it would all be okay. The women protected us from the doctor's aggressive cervix checking and from the clicking of her heels in the hallway. The halls were quiet and calm, and they pulsated with a vibe that all would be okay. They took all of the clocks off the wall and let us exist in a timeless place. They explained all of the medical things we needed to understand and helped us process our fear, reminding us that I'm healthy, resilient and will be okay.

When we understood that I would need a c-section, and would be given general anesthesia, we were allowed all the time in the world together, just the 3 of us, to feel our love and our connection so that we'd be in a state of love and calm during the physical separation. We listened to beautiful music and laid together in the candlelight in our own bed, warm, with the freezing winter air outside.

Without a word, we knew when it was time for our son to come. The tribe went with us to a loving operating room, where Brian stayed next to me, holding me, while one of the women brushed my hair from my temples, and explained the process, reassuring me of my health and resiliency. She explained that Gavin would be loved, and held, and safe while I took my time waking up to him. He'd be in my arms when I opened my eyes. And when I did, they were all there, smiling, and he was in my arms with Brian next to us. Gavin looked at me right away, and knew me as his mother, and I held him and he nursed easily and happily. We recovered quickly and easily with no medical intervention, and we went home joyfully, feeling safe and supported.

The beautiful white snow covered the earth, while everything else slept beneath it while we got to know each other as a family of three. The holidays came days later with laughter and the joy of sharing our precious new baby with our family and friends. We were taken care of, fed, attended to, and loved by our community and our tribe of wise women, who invited me to come back to my underwater tree whenever I need to go there.

Finally.. A Belly Shot

22 weeks pregnant

Still running and lifting weights. Trying to eat well, but greens have been a turn-off. :( Blood pressure has been 100s/60s!!!! Trying not to get alarmed by the tingly extremities I've been having, an early sign last time. Continuing to work on my healing journey through emotional and spiritual self-work. <3