Finding "The One"

I cannot tell you how hard the decision of choosing a doctor has become. We are in Chicago, a city saturated with obstetricians, and home to several top hospitals for women's health. You'd think it would be easy. I've spent countless hours asking friends, asking strangers, reading reviews online, looking on VBAC websites and making an insane spreadsheet of my findings. Just when I think I find someone, there's an issue. There's just no perfect situation, so we're stuck feeling like we are gambling on the "best bet."

Today, we had an appointment with Dr. B. Our monitrice who we LOVE recommended her very strongly, and said that if we want a trauma-sensitive OB who will be patient with me if/when I try to VBAC, she's the one. Well, after an initial phone call to her practice had me on hold for over 30 minutes, and the nurse never returned my call, I still called again and made an appointment because Tanya feels so strongly about her. I was soooo excited for our appointment today. When I was pregnant with G, we heard his heart beat with the doppler at our first prenatal appointment and it was magic! Instead of a happy time like that, we were stuck in an exam room for TWO HOURS, starving and nauseous because they'd called me to come in earlier than scheduled so I had no time to prepare my snacks. By the time we arrived, Dr. B. had to leave for an emergency. Another sweet doctor, Dr. D., agreed to see us, but finished up with all of her scheduled appointments before taking us. We literally sat in an exam room, me half-undressed with a sheet across my lap, for two freaking hours.

I'm a therapist who works with a lot of trauma survivors. I talk a lot about "emotional safety" when it comes to trauma. Let me tell you. Sitting in an exam room half-naked with a blood pressure cuff hanging next to me is NOT emotionally safe for me!!!!!

I am scared that if we don't go with Dr. B's practice that we won't be able to find a doctor who would support me in a VBAC. I labored via pitocin, while under a heavy dose of magnesium sulfate, for 30 hours with no pain meds the first time around. It was ugly. My body was shutting down and eventually, after pushing for 2.5 hours (with no urge to push) my contractions completely stopped and I literally thought I was going to die. We consented to a c-section under general anesthesia and minutes later G was born. Any doctor we've talked to who hears that story swiftly recommends a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks. Now, I'm not some crazy VBAC-or-bust nutcase. But I do want to work with someone who is at least open to letting me try if I stay healthy. Is that so much to ask for?

I am trying not to be completely let down. I'm still trying to hang onto my undying hopefulness and went ahead and made appointments with Dr. B. for my 12, 16 and 20 week appointments. But if one single thing doesn't feel emotionally safe at 12 weeks, I'm outta there. We have an appointment with Dr. V. this coming Thursday. She specializes in hypertensive disorders of pregnancy but I fear she may not support me in a VBAC.

Did I mention that Dr. B's practice gave me infant formula?!?!! That pisses me off to no end. First, it's unsupportive of breastfeeding. Second, I'm only 7 weeks and they're already dumping that stuff on me. Ugh. It's going to be really hard doing this mainstream this time around.

The search continues... the clock is ticking...

7 Weeks Pregnant

Blood pressure check-in:
108/55 this morning
115/76 at my appointment

Weight check-in:
149 (no gain yet)

What's Different So Far (at 7 weeks)

After a pregnancy that ended in HELLP syndrome, I can't help but be aware of everything that is different this time around. It helps me stay hopeful that I might not get sick this time. That I might have a completely healthy pregnancy.

So here's what is different so far (not that any of it is an indication of anything):

• Nausea is much milder and less frequent. Good appetite.
• Lots of energy. Barely tired.
• Even better fitness level. 
• Eating more protein. (Yes, even a bit of meat.)
• Better stress coping tools, and less stress.
• Daily low dose aspirin started 2 years ago at the recommendation of our MFM.
• Extra Vitamin D, folic acid, calcium, and magnesium taken prior to and during pregnancy.
• Tea at least several times a week with dandelion root (for blood pressure) and red raspberry leaf (for uterine health).
• Mindfulness and meditation on a regular basis.

I feel really, really great. I don't remember ever feeling this great in my HELLP pregnancy. My nausea is mild and sporadic, really nothing to complain about. I remember thinking "I guess you just feel like crap when you're pregnant." I don't even feel tired. I nearly keep forgetting that I'm pregnant! (Knock on wood...)

I was in good shape when I got pregnant the first time around, working out 7 days a week most weeks. But I have been even more fit recently, despite working out less often. So I think I started this pregnancy off healthier even though I'm 3 and a half years older. One of my best friends and her husband got me into a different mindset with my workouts. They're into Crossfit, which encourages bursts of intense exercise that really push your limits. I've been doing my own modified version of these workouts 2-3 times a week on my own at the Y, in addition to my weekly strength training class.  I know some people are fearful about pregnant women working out intensely, if at all, but I very much believe that my level of physical fitness and my commitment to working out throughout my first pregnancy is what helped me stave off HELLP until the very end of pregnancy since my blood pressure first starting getting highish early in my second trimester. (Many women get sick enough that they have to deliver just past halfway through their pregnancies.) Today I ran 2 miles in 16 minutes, which is much faster that I was running even 6 months ago. I followed that up with a 500 meter sprint on the rowing machine and then some weight lifting and ab work. I have always felt really great when I'm active and fit, and let me tell you, being able to work out like that at 7 weeks pregnant makes me feel awesome!

I wanted to say a little more about the difference in supplements this time around in case there are any readers out there who are in a post-preeclampsia pregnancy or considering one. I am obviously not a medical professional, so please keep that in mind when reading this information that I went ahead and borrowed from the blog of my virtual friend who recently had a preeclampsia-free second pregnancy.

• Low-dose aspirin: Doesn't work for everyone but has also proven to be harmless to the fetus. Works by thinning the blood to reduce chance of blood clots forming in the placenta. Many of those with pre-e get diagnosed with blood clotting disorders that contribute to the onset. Hence certain women are put on much heavier anti-coagulants like Lovenox and Heparin.
• Higher doses of folic acid: Some genetic mutations cause women to be unable to metabolize folic acid which causes homocysteine levels to increase which can cause stroke, pre-e and other placental complications.
• Calcium deficiencies also increase the risk of pre-eclampsia. 

And I LOVE my prenatal! I'm taking New Chapter bought for a great deal at my new favorite website www.vitacost.com

We meet the first of our possible OBs on Thursday and are looking forward to it!

Trying Not to Get Down

I existed on a happy cloud of initial joy and early nausea for about 2 days before being derailed by the news that my husband's best friend, like a brother to us, has cancer. The juxtaposition of the two stories, the life and death feeling of it all, is trying hard to drag me down. On top of that, I am spending every free second trying to research OBs in Chicago who are VBAC-friendly, stellar C-section surgeons, and affiliated with a hospital with a great NICU (just in case).  My anxiety is building as my "high risk" designation flies over my head like a giant banner.

During my research during G's nap this afternoon, I fell into the forums on the Preeclampsia Foundation's site. Don't ask me why I started reading a thread about low milk production following HELLP. Reading some of those posts just brought it all back. I process feelings about certain parts of my experience, but there's always something left undone, waiting to be noticed, remembered. Like how Brian came into the recovery room just as I was regaining consciousness and tried his best to pump milk from my nearly alive body. It just sucks to have had HELLP. It sucks forever. No matter how positive I try to be, how much therapy I do, how much acupuncture or other healing I seek, I just can't stop hating my experience with HELLP. Yes, I have a healthy child, and I realize I'm one of the lucky, lucky ones. But I still struggle with letting go of my anger.

This post is certainly not in the vein of being positive. Since I started tapping this out earlier this afternoon, I found an OB practice that I'm actually pretty excited about making an appointment with. So that's hopeful.

Let the Hoping Begin

I just found out I'm pregnant.

We started trying to conceive exactly 2 weeks ago.  So you'd think I would be ecstatic. And, don't get me wrong, I am super duper excited. But I'm also feeling a sense of caution. "Don't get too happy just yet" says my mind-chatter.

This is not a normal reaction for me.

I have been pregnant once before. And it didn't go so well. I mean, I do have an awesome nearly 3 year old, and time has given me distance from what happened. But my body pretty much failed me, and I almost died from this terrible thing called HELLP Syndrome, which is a rare and severe variant of preeclampsia.

I am starting this blog as my companion along this pregnancy journey. I hope that writing will help other women who have had HELLP and who are pregnant again, or who are still making that gut-wrenching decision to try again or not. As well as helping me cope with the long months of anxiety and a tightly packed schedule of "high risk" OB appointments.

It was two weeks ago when my husband and I were having one of our never-ending discussions about getting pregnant again (since getting "clearance" 2 years ago from our perinatologist).  We realized that if we got pregnant in August, it would mean a May baby, which in the ideal world (that we'd like to pretend to live in) would mean we'd time the birth perfectly to coincide with our beloved Chicago summertime. (Versus the winter hell we went through last time around with a traumatic birth, 2 hospital stays and a generally grumpy newborn followed by nothing but months of frigid gray days.) 

That was it. That was the moment I turned off my fears and let myself listen to the voice deep down in my heart that's been patiently waiting for the chance to exclaim, "I really want another baby!"

So my period was a few days late this week  , but I didn't have any of the pregnancy symptoms I had last time. I'd taken at least 3 pregnancy tests which all came back negative. But still no period. I was so sure that I wasn't pregnant that I had a beer at dinner last night. Then today, on a somewhat anxious whim, I took a 4th test while my son slept and my husband was at a BBQ. I thought I was hallucinating when I saw the faintest ever line on the pregnancy test. I set it aside, took a shower, and then checked it again. Definitely a faint line.

I had a subdued sense of excitement, followed by a brief crying spell, and then racing thoughts about how we haven't yet decided on a new OB, or bought a new house. Then I took a deep breath, and let myself just feel the feeling of finding out there is a new life just beginning to take shape inside of me. I had so forgotten that feeling after all that I'd been through the last time around.

You know what that feeling was? It was hope. It still is hope. I can feel hope growing in my belly. I am trying to be very mindful already of not projecting too much of my own stuff onto this pregnancy or this baby. But I'd be lying if I said this pregnancy wasn't, in part, fulfilling a dream to have a healthy full-term pregnancy, ending in a natural delivery, on my own terms. But that is getting 9.5 months ahead of myself.

So back to today. I want to write this blog to be my day-to-day companion on this pregnancy journey. To help me through the trying times, the fear, the anxiety, the sad parts of me that still hold feelings about my son's birth. But always coming back to a sense of hope. I invite you to come along, or to bounce in and out along the way.

I'm going to do an inner smile meditation and go to bed early. And the hoping begins....