38 Weeks and Can't Decide What to Do!

I am sitting here with a bottle of castor oil trying to decide what to do.

Tomorrow I turn 38 weeks. The baby has dropped down. I am 2+ cm dilated, with the help of having my membranes swept twice last week. I have had bloody show all week and off and on really crampy contractions as well. But nothing lasts. Overall, I am feeling really good. When I connect with the baby, I feel a sense of patience and peace. I would like to let that be my guide.

I'm just not sure I have that luxury. And I am trying so hard not to be angry or anxious because of that.

My traumatized brain is focused on my lab results, especially my elevated protein level from my weekly 24 hour urine collections. Last week it was 224. They will have to intervene if it gets to 300. While it has fluctuated between 120-240 for the past month, it has been higher than the normal level of 150 all but one time. I'll get my next results back on Tuesday, which has me diving into a race against days, trying to encourage this baby to come before we get to Tuesday and have to worry about a medical induction or repeat c-section. My blood pressure has also been creeping up.. not hypertensive, but just creeping up. Of course, with all that we have going on, that makes sense.

On top of those concerns, my husband is really freaking out. Well, to be fair, we closed on a house last Monday and we're moving on Tuesday so there is a LOT going on for him stress-wise. But he is so scared about my and the baby's health and he just wants the baby to come and the birth to happen to alleviate his anxiety and fear. It's really tough because it's turning into tons of stress and tension, which is not the headspace you want to be in with your partner as your birth approaches.

I knew this would be sooo hard emotionally, this post-HELLP pregnancy. But I am really feeling it as we near the end. I am going to take my second dose of Chinese herbs (for induction) and go for a very long walk. I have also had acupuncture today and yesterday and will go back tomorrow as another mild means of getting things going.

Well, I guess I will walk and take this second dose and see what happens, and will consider taking the castor oil later tonight. I'm afraid of it being too much like my pitocin experience from last time.

Breathe.

Thanks for being out there and sending your support!!

Week 33 Pictures (a little late...)

35 Weeks and Whole

I have moved into a very positive and peaceful headspace about this pregnancy. My protein in my last 24 hour urine collection was back down to 120 (150 = cut-off0 which helped a lot. Every other result I've gotten in the last week has been fantastic. I'm still waiting to hear from Ananth (the pre-e researcher) regarding a "prediction" of remaining healthy.  The real thing that helped me make this shift, which feels very much like where I'll stay from here to the birth, was going to the Family Birth Center at West Suburban with Brian last Monday night for our orientation. I was so excited to see it, but also hesitant to get too enthused since I still have to make it to 37 weeks and remain healthy enough to not "risk out" of the FBC. But I had this magical, clairvoyant moment when I walked into the second room in the FBC. I *just knew* that it was the room where I'll give birth. It was an overwhelming sensation. I felt so peaceful, happy, grounded and sure right away. I am carrying that energy with me as I deal with the multitude of appointments in the coming weeks that scream "You are not normal! You might get sick! Your body might fail again!"

I had my 34 week appointment on Friday with Cynthia, one of the midwives I hadn't met yet. I also had another NST (non-stress test) during which the baby looked fantastic. Her (?) heart rate remains 130ish and has been consistently at that rate for a while now. I don't know the heart rate gender prediction thing, so feel free to comment if you have a guess! Because I'll be hooked up to that fetal monitor twice a week from now on, and will be doing so while alone in a recliner for 20 minutes, I am using that time to meditate on positive energy and birth affirmations. In trying to find the positive in all of this over-monitoring, I realized that hearing the rhythm of the baby's heart for 20 straight minutes is a really beautiful and centering thing. It's a nice addition to my meditation. It's also incredible how much the baby responds to me. When I'm calm and/or sending the baby peaceful and loving intentions, her heart rate is low. But if the nurse comes in to check my blood pressure or asks a question that brings up self-doubt or my traumatic stress response, the baby's heart beat goes up right away, even if I am "feeling calm" or trying not to react. For example, this past time they took my bp using the same kind of automated cuff that I had on my arm in the hospital that squeezed the crap out of my arm every 15 minutes for 3+ days. When she put that cuff on me and it started to squeeze, the baby's heart rate jumped up from 123 into the 160s. The second it released and I centered myself, the rate dropped back down. The connection is just amazing and I need to remember that throughout the birth and newborn time. I know that my stress and trauma during birth and postpartum is a major part of Gavin's intensity and difficulty with self-regulating.

I have yet another 24 hour urine collection starting in the morning. Last week Brian was great and said, "Don't let this defeat you! We don't have to stay home all day! Let's put your jug in a cute bag and go somewhere." We went to a nearby restaurant and sat outside for a late lunch. All was good until I had to actually go to the bathroom and in the tight quarters with my giant belly ended up spilling some of the urine down my jeans. I cried and cried, then reminded myself that it would be a funny story someday and pulled myself together. Tomorrow is going to be the warmest day of the year, and I do NOT want to stay inside this hellhole townhouse trap of a rental just because I have to pee into a jug all day. I guess I'll try again.

I have my next midwives appointment already on Monday along with an NST and blood draw. I will go back again every Monday and Thursday from here on out. I pretty much get results of one kind or another every day, so I'm trying not to focus on that. I've asked them to only call me if there is a problem with my results.

I am stunned by the number of people from my mom to my former supervisor who have told me lately that I just "look healthy" this time and they couldn't really put their finger on it last time, but I just seemed bloated. I know it's hard and socially unacceptable to tell a pregnant woman she looks bloated, but please people if you notice that happening to someone SAY SOMETHING!

Oh, and I've been getting slightly crampy from time to time recently. My Braxton-Hicks contractions are still very prominent (and have been since week 22). They are getting higher and higher such that my entire uterus is soooo tight and uncomfortable quite a bit of the time. I am taking it as a sign from my body that everything is starting slowly into motion. It's part of this whole sense of trusting this baby and her energy of constancy. She is still moving a ton and you can see feet, knees, elbows, etc. shifting across my belly at any given time.

My theme of the week:
Wholeness