Elliott is here!

Nearly 39 weeks of holding my breath and Elliott is finally here, sweet, safe, and happy!

I did not develop HELLP Syndrome, and also never developed preeclampsia!  Thaat things were smooth and uncomplicated, despite my best effort.

So here is the birth story, if you care to hear it... it's something I really only want to tell once so I can move on from the sad parts and continue basking in the joy of this sweet little baby!

Elliot Patrick was born around 2am on Saturday morning, May 7, and he's so sweet and peaceful and wonderful! We are in love. He's a little string bean at 7lbs 1oz, 21 inches. Gavin is LOVING his new brother, "I love he!"

The 2 days between my "baby's coming" email and the hours leading up to his birth were a mixed bag. My water broke on Thursday night. I was already 7cm (!!!) dilated as of earlier that morning, so the midwives thought things would go very quickly once they started. My midwife, Amy, had lost her voice, so we IM'd while I stayed home and waited for things to get going. We agreed to meet at the hospital at 1am on Thurs. night/ Fri. morning because I had to have IV antibiotics for my group B strep sooner than later once my water broke.

Once at the hospital, we were so excited to get things moving along. Even though my contractions were mild, they were coming regularly (and had been for weeks) so they admitted me to the alternative birthing center where the birth tub of my dreams sat waiting. We settled in, loading up the fridge, setting up pictures, and putting on music. I was strapped to the fetal monitor and got my hep-lock, not fun or natural-feeling, but two of the requirements for VBAC patients. Amy brought in the breast pump which I used for hours in addition to walking, squatting, moving on the birth ball, and any other physical motion we could think of to urge my uterus along. After a long night with no true labor started, I took castor oil the next morning, shooting down more than 2 ounces, only to end up with nauseating diarrhea for hours, with no effect on my uterus. I was getting very frustrated, but remained hopeful and continued using physical measures, as well as visualizing and meditating throughout the day to stay relaxed, focused and open to the birthing process.

In the morning, our monitrice, Tanya, came and offered her support as well as homeopathy, quantum touch and energy work to help my body progress. Nothing was working. My contractions were getting weaker, if anything. Sometime in the late afternoon, Amy explained that my cervix hadn't dilated any more, and that my bag of waters, though broken, was still full and bulging. She explained that the risk of breaking the bag (in my situation) was that the baby had floated higher up and there was a chance of umbilical cord prolapse, a very dangerous situation that would lead to a c-section under general anesthesia. We all agreed not to chance it. The only option left was to move to a regular medical room for pitocin. We were really, really upset about leaving the ABC, and about needing pitocin, since it had been so horrible in my first labor with Gavin. Amy was also unsure about what she was feeling when she checked me. It seemed that the baby had changed his once perfect position to more of a face first presentation. She also felt an unexplained ridge along the inside of my uterus that she couldn't make sense of. She ordered an ultrasound to look at what was going on.

They started the pitocin and, again, nothing happened. Because I was a VBAC patient, they only increased it in small increments and couldn't give me the full dose. I thought, at first, that was why things weren't moving along. The ultrasound showed some curious abnormalities and we waited patiently for the radiologist to call with results. Instead of reassuring us, he made a vague reference to a growth on the baby's head, and the possibility that it was some sort of a brain problem. We were so scared and tried to focus on the present moment and the joy that we felt that we were close to meeting our baby.

A while later, the tech came back with another ultrasound machine and took images from another angle. Brian and I waited alone for 40 minutes while our team consulted with the radiology team. It was a very, very long 40 minutes and we cried a lot. We eventually got the good news that they did not think there was a problem with his brain, but that he had some kind of hematoma on his head and there was something odd about my uterus. At this point, with the pitocin not having an effect on my body, we decided to call in the OB, and we decided together that a c-section was the best option. I stayed very focused on doing what was best for the baby and for my body, trying so hard to stay strong and positive despite my intense disappointment and fear. They got me ready very quickly, but our team was amazing at supporting us emotionally as we fought off triggering the trauma from our last birth experience. The greatest part was that I was awake! I was able to experience a live birth for the very first time in my life! Brian sat next to my head and we looked into each other's eyes with joy as we waited for the sweet coos of our baby when he was lifted from my womb. The team was incredible and kept the operating room peaceful. Amy later told us that it was the most peaceful c-section she's ever attended. It really was the best possible situation for a worst case scenario.

Elliott made the softest sweetest noises when he was born, bringing tears to Brian's and my eyes before we even saw him. The two neonatalogists immediately examined him, finding him to be quite healthy with no head or brain damage, then they handed him to Brian who carried him over to me and we all nuzzled our faces together as the OB sewed me back together.  They let him stay in the OR extra long, which was so wonderful. We were only separated for about a half hour as they further examined him in the nursery. They brought him to me in the post-op recovery room and he was with us from then on, tiny and sweet.

It turns out I had a super rare thing called a Bandl ring, which is when the uterus develops a thick band that makes a vaginal delivery impossible, and creates an inevitable uterine rupture without timely delivery. From what I can tell, it's even more rare than HELLP syndrome! It's really hard to find solid information about it on the internet. I am still in shock that I developed another potentially life-threatening disorder for both me and Elliott. I haven't even begun to process the emotions of the situation. I am just grateful that I was in good care. And, no, I didn't develop HELLP again, nor did I ever develop preeclampsia, although some of the early indicators were present for the last month or so.

Nursing is going well. Elliott's as healthy as can be and is almost up to his birth weight. I'm starting to heal, though I'm still spending most of my time on the couch. Our emotional healing will take a while, but overall I feel really, really good and happy this time. I am looking forward to enjoying the postpartum period and being a fully present mom to my boys. What a gift! I am finally understanding what it feels like to give birth without sliding into the darkness of depression. I am sooo happy!!                  

Thanks for your support!
Amy

38 Weeks and Can't Decide What to Do!

I am sitting here with a bottle of castor oil trying to decide what to do.

Tomorrow I turn 38 weeks. The baby has dropped down. I am 2+ cm dilated, with the help of having my membranes swept twice last week. I have had bloody show all week and off and on really crampy contractions as well. But nothing lasts. Overall, I am feeling really good. When I connect with the baby, I feel a sense of patience and peace. I would like to let that be my guide.

I'm just not sure I have that luxury. And I am trying so hard not to be angry or anxious because of that.

My traumatized brain is focused on my lab results, especially my elevated protein level from my weekly 24 hour urine collections. Last week it was 224. They will have to intervene if it gets to 300. While it has fluctuated between 120-240 for the past month, it has been higher than the normal level of 150 all but one time. I'll get my next results back on Tuesday, which has me diving into a race against days, trying to encourage this baby to come before we get to Tuesday and have to worry about a medical induction or repeat c-section. My blood pressure has also been creeping up.. not hypertensive, but just creeping up. Of course, with all that we have going on, that makes sense.

On top of those concerns, my husband is really freaking out. Well, to be fair, we closed on a house last Monday and we're moving on Tuesday so there is a LOT going on for him stress-wise. But he is so scared about my and the baby's health and he just wants the baby to come and the birth to happen to alleviate his anxiety and fear. It's really tough because it's turning into tons of stress and tension, which is not the headspace you want to be in with your partner as your birth approaches.

I knew this would be sooo hard emotionally, this post-HELLP pregnancy. But I am really feeling it as we near the end. I am going to take my second dose of Chinese herbs (for induction) and go for a very long walk. I have also had acupuncture today and yesterday and will go back tomorrow as another mild means of getting things going.

Well, I guess I will walk and take this second dose and see what happens, and will consider taking the castor oil later tonight. I'm afraid of it being too much like my pitocin experience from last time.

Breathe.

Thanks for being out there and sending your support!!

Week 33 Pictures (a little late...)

35 Weeks and Whole

I have moved into a very positive and peaceful headspace about this pregnancy. My protein in my last 24 hour urine collection was back down to 120 (150 = cut-off0 which helped a lot. Every other result I've gotten in the last week has been fantastic. I'm still waiting to hear from Ananth (the pre-e researcher) regarding a "prediction" of remaining healthy.  The real thing that helped me make this shift, which feels very much like where I'll stay from here to the birth, was going to the Family Birth Center at West Suburban with Brian last Monday night for our orientation. I was so excited to see it, but also hesitant to get too enthused since I still have to make it to 37 weeks and remain healthy enough to not "risk out" of the FBC. But I had this magical, clairvoyant moment when I walked into the second room in the FBC. I *just knew* that it was the room where I'll give birth. It was an overwhelming sensation. I felt so peaceful, happy, grounded and sure right away. I am carrying that energy with me as I deal with the multitude of appointments in the coming weeks that scream "You are not normal! You might get sick! Your body might fail again!"

I had my 34 week appointment on Friday with Cynthia, one of the midwives I hadn't met yet. I also had another NST (non-stress test) during which the baby looked fantastic. Her (?) heart rate remains 130ish and has been consistently at that rate for a while now. I don't know the heart rate gender prediction thing, so feel free to comment if you have a guess! Because I'll be hooked up to that fetal monitor twice a week from now on, and will be doing so while alone in a recliner for 20 minutes, I am using that time to meditate on positive energy and birth affirmations. In trying to find the positive in all of this over-monitoring, I realized that hearing the rhythm of the baby's heart for 20 straight minutes is a really beautiful and centering thing. It's a nice addition to my meditation. It's also incredible how much the baby responds to me. When I'm calm and/or sending the baby peaceful and loving intentions, her heart rate is low. But if the nurse comes in to check my blood pressure or asks a question that brings up self-doubt or my traumatic stress response, the baby's heart beat goes up right away, even if I am "feeling calm" or trying not to react. For example, this past time they took my bp using the same kind of automated cuff that I had on my arm in the hospital that squeezed the crap out of my arm every 15 minutes for 3+ days. When she put that cuff on me and it started to squeeze, the baby's heart rate jumped up from 123 into the 160s. The second it released and I centered myself, the rate dropped back down. The connection is just amazing and I need to remember that throughout the birth and newborn time. I know that my stress and trauma during birth and postpartum is a major part of Gavin's intensity and difficulty with self-regulating.

I have yet another 24 hour urine collection starting in the morning. Last week Brian was great and said, "Don't let this defeat you! We don't have to stay home all day! Let's put your jug in a cute bag and go somewhere." We went to a nearby restaurant and sat outside for a late lunch. All was good until I had to actually go to the bathroom and in the tight quarters with my giant belly ended up spilling some of the urine down my jeans. I cried and cried, then reminded myself that it would be a funny story someday and pulled myself together. Tomorrow is going to be the warmest day of the year, and I do NOT want to stay inside this hellhole townhouse trap of a rental just because I have to pee into a jug all day. I guess I'll try again.

I have my next midwives appointment already on Monday along with an NST and blood draw. I will go back again every Monday and Thursday from here on out. I pretty much get results of one kind or another every day, so I'm trying not to focus on that. I've asked them to only call me if there is a problem with my results.

I am stunned by the number of people from my mom to my former supervisor who have told me lately that I just "look healthy" this time and they couldn't really put their finger on it last time, but I just seemed bloated. I know it's hard and socially unacceptable to tell a pregnant woman she looks bloated, but please people if you notice that happening to someone SAY SOMETHING!

Oh, and I've been getting slightly crampy from time to time recently. My Braxton-Hicks contractions are still very prominent (and have been since week 22). They are getting higher and higher such that my entire uterus is soooo tight and uncomfortable quite a bit of the time. I am taking it as a sign from my body that everything is starting slowly into motion. It's part of this whole sense of trusting this baby and her energy of constancy. She is still moving a ton and you can see feet, knees, elbows, etc. shifting across my belly at any given time.

My theme of the week:
Wholeness

Keeping Calm

I just got back from my weekly midwife appointment. I have a lot of news, a lot of numbers, a lot of anxiety, and a lot of feelings. I'm going to share it all here to just get it out so I can clear my head and start my work day.

• My results for my 32 week bloodwork came back great! My platelets were 185,000! And liver function, uric acid, proteins... all looked great!
• However, my results from my 32 week 24 hour urine collection came back high. The level is supposed to be under 150 and it was 174.9. For scale, 300 is severe preeclampsia. Now, I never had proteinuria in my last pregnancy and I've been told I may have some slight kidney damage from HELLP Syndrome that would make my proteins a bit high. But my 12 week results were normal, and my 28 week results were "inconclusive" which was read as having levels too low to read, so normal. I am really nervous about this one. Amy, the midwife I met with this morning is consulting with the head midwife, Gayle, this afternoon so I will know more later today.
• My blood pressure was good today. 120/70.
• I now have to do Non-Stress Tests (NSTs) for the baby at every appointment. This involves sitting in a recliner for 20 minutes with fetal monitors on my belly. (These are the same fetal monitors I'll have to wear during labor, only I'll be able to be mobile and also get in the tub or shower.) Today's NST was great! It was really neat to see how when I relaxed or talked to the baby calmly that her/his heart rate went down. Starting at week 35 (I'm at the end of 33 now) I'll have to do these NSTs twice a week!
• I have to have weekly ultrasounds for a biophysical exam of the baby. Just another extra thing. As of now, things look wonderful!
• I have to have my blood drawn for HELLP-related tests every week now. 4 or 5 vials. They'll check my liver function, platelet count, hemoglobin and hemocrit (I think), uric acid and some other things. So far so good on this stuff.
• I am still dealing with some concerns about gestational diabetes. The midwives told me today that I do have gestational diabetes. There was confusion at my former OB practice about whether or not I'm diagnosable as they used a brand new test. I only had 1 of the 3 results come back high, and only a couple points high. However, the midwives, who aren't yet using tihs new test, looked into the diagnostic criteria and found that having one number high is diagnosable. They drew blood today to test my A1C. Since Tuesday night, I've been monitoring my blood glucose myself 4 times a day. So far, I have been within normal range. I seem to have a worse time when I'm not eating. There is potentially a relationship between HELLP and glucose intolerance. So when I haven't eaten in a while (like overnight) my body is producing glucose like a normal person, but then not responding in a normal way to balance it out and keep it from going overboard. This type of diabetic response is more like a Type 1 insulin resistant type, so dietary changes aren't necessarily the answer, but they're still asking me to limit my carbs. I'm trying very hard to eat 30-40g of carbs 6 times a day. I'm getting used to the finger pricking and time tracking, as well as the breaks between snacks as I have to wait two hours after eating to test my blood. I have been soooooooo hungry!!!
• I am feeling very, very anxious. My traumatized self is ready to kick into action, preparing as best I can for an early baby or a huge disappointment in not being able to deliver in the Alternative Birthing Center. My whole self is still feeling good. Healthy. Excited. Somewhat calm. Patient. But days like today, I just get totally thrown off by something like a high protein count in my 24 hour urine collection, something that's never "gone wrong" before. I've even been able to keep a pretty straight head despite my glucose issues. 
• I am spending a lot of energy focusing on the baby and connecting to her/him. We are reassuring each other. This baby is so constant, reliable, patient, peaceful and optimistic. It's really amazing energy to be carrying inside your body. When I go there.. to the baby's energy... I feel calm, happy and excited. I don't worry about all of the details and numbers and problems. I'm trying to keep myself there....

Week 33 - Good good good!

Thirty-three weeks and things are good. I am getting really, really excited about meeting this baby! I washed some baby clothes today and have started ordering some new things online here and there. It's fun to be in a mental state where I can start to enjoy that kind of stuff. I've had two prenatal visits with my new midwifery practice and it's been great!

My traumatic stress response has been a little triggered due to looking back at old hospital records as I prepared copies for the midwives, and also because they asked me to do another (my third of this pregnancy) 24 hour urine collection and a panel of HELLP-related blood tests, even though I just did both and had glowing results 5 weeks ago. Tanya reminded me today that I told her once that I had a sense during my first pregnancy that something was off and that I could never fully imagine the birth. She reminded me of how strong my intuition is and that I knew, but didn't really know what it meant or how it would unfold. This time around I can clearly see this birth at West Suburban in the water and I know it's going to happen. Not like a crazy person who's hellbent on making it happen, but like someone who's intuitive and can peek just a little bit into the future.

I am again reminded of the dire need for awareness of preeclampsia and HELLP. I saw my clinical supervisor last week and she told me how wonderful and healthy I look, and how she remembers me looking different last time. I asked her what she meant, and she said she remembers me gaining a lot of weight at the end of the pregnancy and looking bloated and swollen. I shared that with a mutual friend and she said "You know, now that I think of it, that's so true." Even my mom has said that. So what is the problem? Yes, in part it's that we're so paranoid of offending women by talking about weight and appearance that we keep our mouths shut even if there's cause for concern, but it's also that many people have no idea that swelling, bloating and rapid weight gain are symptoms of a potentially deadly disorder of pregnancy. Instead of getting angry, I'm trying to focus on the good part of this - that I am not bloated or swollen. I am gaining more weight now but it's within the normal pace of last trimester weight gain (and I've also finally stopped jogging).

I am in a really calm and positive state of mind about the baby and the birth. From the start, this baby's energy has been peaceful, reliable and steadfast and I am very tuned into that right now.

Here are some stats and info to share:
BP at my last appointment: 108/66 (Yay!!!)
Weight: 170 (started at 150)
Belly size: exactly 33 weeks
Head: Down!
Movement: Tons - but it's getting really tight in there, so no more kicks and punches
Sex Guess: Really balanced male-female energy (Gavin was the same way)
Acne: Like a 16 year old
Energy: Like a 16 year old

If you haven't given your guesses yet as to the sex of the baby, let me know what you think! I'm terribly behind with the baby's journal and that was a fun part of Gavin's - to have everyone's guesses. I'll try to take another picture this week in case you're one to judge by belly shape.

I'm mailing another tube of blood to Ananth tomorrow so I should have results back within about 2 weeks that will give me an idea of the likelihood of getting sick or not through week 39-41. But I'm not even worried. I know it's not happening. :)

Happy (belated) Vernal Equinox & Spring!

Last Quarter Game Change - Week 30

What a roller coaster! Last time I wrote I was coming off the back end of an emotionally turbulent phase and I was in a really bad place. A traumatized place, to be sure. Even as someone who works intimately with trauma in my profession, it was hard to recognize the barrage of physical symptoms I was experiencing as an outlet for my traumatic stress response. In this pregnancy, exactly when I rounded the corner into the gestational time when my symptoms started last time, I had a flurry of symptoms so believable and *real* that I believed them, despite all evidence pointing in the direction that I'm healthy. Sometimes it feels like my brain splits in half - with one side operating from a healthy-minded, holistic, self-aware, trusting place, and the other half in reaction mode, anxious, hypervigilant and craving negative energy. And that other half, my friend, is the ugly animal that is PTSD.

After my last post, I regrouped, centered myself, had a hypnotherapy appointment with Tanya, and was able to leave that traumatized place where I'd been. The physical impact of the traumatic stress response is amazing. My blood pressure, which had been up 20+ points for 2 days, dropped immediately back down to the low 100s/60s where it's consistently been for this whole pregnancy. My thinking totally changed. So much so that I've totally re-assessed my health and my birth dreams and I'm making a serious last minute change of plans that has me so ecstatically happy and hopeful!!

I am switching my prenatal care at just about the last week possible to a group of midwives who deliver at one of Illinois' only true alternative birthing centers. (Don't get me started on the politics of birth in this state.) My OB group has been great at caring for the traumatized pregnant woman that I was in the beginning of this pregnancy, but I see with so much clarity now that I am healthy, this baby is healthy. This pregnancy is, dare I say, normal. My whole conscious life I have dreamed of a certain kind of birth experience, one that was impossible last time around, improbable at best at the hospital where the OBs deliver, and I want it more now than ever. Not only that, I believe whole-heartedly that I will have a wonderful, peaceful and loving experience this time! I am so excited I can hardly stand it!

Tanya helped me see this as an option I hadn't even thought was possible. She anticipated this shift with incredible intuition and care, and had spoken with the practice before our last session to make sure they would allow my transfer, given my late gestation, HELLP history, and VBAC scenario. I had a consult with Gayle, the founding midwife of the practice a few days later and just knew it was the right thing. I am grateful that my (also traumatized) husband was supportive of the plan, especially since his Virgo heart struggles with veering off-plan. Gayle explained that there would be some less-than-ideal situations given that I'd be having a VBAC, but she made me feel so healthy and normal despite those things, giving me so much confidence that it's possible to have a natural birth! I was surprised to learn that the fetal monitor (a super annoying and large belly belt that I had to wear during my 30 hours of Pitocin labor last time) is actually water proof, so even though it's required for a VBAC, I can still labor and birth in the tub, a long time dream!! Gayle was so warm, loving, positive, hopeful and human. It was a world away from even the very best interaction I've ever had with any OB. I remember when I set out to find a provider this time around I was looking for "an OB who's as much like a midwife as possible." That just doesn't exist! Part of my (traumatized) reasoning was wanting to have an actual relationship with the surgeon who would perform a C-section should I end up needing one, after such a terrible experience last time. But I was denying myself an entire pregnancy-worth of loving care for that one detail. And the midwives have a great back-up OB who's a stellar surgeon, as well as a friendly, warm and collaborative healthcare partner to the team of midwives. I am super excited to hear that we don't have to worry about the kind of awful tension and conflict that we experienced last time between our midwife and OB.

Anyway, this is like a brand new day in my life and I am so excited that this pregnancy journey has landed me here, where I'm able to make a decision based on love. <3

ps- I got my 28 week results back from Ananth hours after meeting with Gayle, and I am still in the normal range on everything!! That gets me a huge vote of confidence through week 34-6. I'll be resending my blood at week 32 just to get me that good news through to the end! 

Week 27 Belly Shot

This is from 3 weeks ago - I feel much huger now, but you get the idea! Probably should have taken the photo beFORE going out, not at 2am when I was dragging... ;)

Really Bracing Myself at 29 Weeks

I feel like my health has really taken a turn for the worse in the past two weeks. And, yes, the past two weeks have been especially stressful, emotional and disappointing, so I'm sure that's part of it.

It was about two weeks ago at 27 weeks when the stirrings of epigastric pain started. (Epigastric pain is a telltale sign of preeclampsia.) Right now, it's just a very noticeable pressure under my rib cage on the right side. It comes and goes, but I never have more than a few hours without it, even when relaxing on my left side. When I look back at my pregnancy journal from my HELLP pregnancy, it was right around week 27 when I started to notice "pressure under my right rib cage" that everyone, including me, thought was my big, tall baby stretching out. When I felt this pressure for the first time a couple weeks ago, it was so clear to me that it was the exact same feeling, and that it is not my baby. In my last pregnancy, this pressure slowly evolved into pain, culminating in severe pain and "contractions" at week 39. After listening to me complain about the pressure for a week,  Brian convinced me to call my OB office last Monday, even though my 28 week appointment was a few days away. They were fantastic and immediately got me in with the midwife, who ordered all of the right blood tests and a 24 hour urine collection. She was also very reassuring, as well as so sweet to let Gavin use the doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat all by himself!

Brian and I struggled with a lot of sadness and stress between making the phone call and getting to the appointment, imagining them sending me straight to the hospital, leaving us with either a very early preemie or no mom at home for a long time. Thank goodness I just got to go home. I was back there again on Thursday when I had an ultrasound that showed that all is well with the baby and my uterus right now, so that was a huge relief. On the down side, I found out that I am borderline diabetic and have started a really tough gestational diabetes diet that leaves me trying to eat exactly 30g of carbs 6 times a day, while also getting a lot of protein, aiming for 2000+ calories, and avoiding my food allergies. It's quite a puzzle that is stressing me out, as well as leaving me hungry and ill-satisfied. Thanks to my good friend, Addie, I'll have a blood monitor in a couple of days and will be monitoring my blood sugar 4 times a day. I also got the results late yesterday from my 24 hour urine. We already know that my HELLP pregnancy damaged my kidney in such a way that my protein will always be a little borderline high. When the nurse called yesterday she said that the results had been "inconclusive" and that a doctor would call me on Monday. She was sweet and apologized for such vague information, then told me that usually an "inconclusive" result is not a concern. But it's certainly not fun to wait all weekend to find out. I also mailed another blood sample to Ananth, who will be testing it hopefully next week and telling me what my prognosis may be for the next 6-8 weeks. In other disappointing news, my blood pressure was up for 48 hours and got a little scary yesterday when the highest reading at the end of the work day was 128/88. While not technically "hypertensive" it's 20-25 points higher than it's been for this entire 29 weeks of pregnancy. The numbers from yesterday are looking a lot more like my HELLP pregnancy. :( The good news? It is back down again today. Now I struggle with when to quit working.

It's times like these that the reality of having a "high risk pregnancy" really hits. Most days, I feel pretty good, and keep myself centered, positive and as calm as I can in our chaotic, urban, parenting, working lives. Just like last time, I appear to everyone else to be "super healthy." My belly is about the only place you can see my pregnancy. I am working out, even still running 9-10 minute miles and lifting weights pretty intensely every Saturday. Yes, you would think I am healthy.

Knowing that I feel myself slipping into a negative thought pattern about this pregnancy, I have scheduled a session with Tanya for tomorrow afternoon. I will hopefully post something a lot more positive after that. I can already imagine her reminding me that my body has always told me when there's a problem in the past, and that my connection to my body and its signals is strong. She'll also remind me that it's not useful or helpful to tell myself about the potential negative outcomes if nothing is actually happening. It is more helpful to tell myself that there is still a good chance that I'm going to be able to carry this baby to full term, go into labor on my own, and deliver this child naturally. Imagine it with me, will ya?

Holding My Breath...

I've had a bit of a scare lately. I've noticed pressure in my upper right quadrant from time-to-time, but at least once a day for the past week. When I expressed concern to my husband today, he urged me to call my nurse to see if I should wait until my 28 week appointment in a few days, or come in sooner for bloodwork. Of course they wanted me to come in right away. The good news is that my blood pressure has been very low still, mostly in the 100's/60's. There are really no other causes for concern, so I am hopeful that this abdominal pressure is psychosomatic or something. Anyway, they went ahead and drew my blood in order to check my platelets, liver function, etc. They'll have results by the end of the day tomorrow (Tues.) On Wed. morning I'll start another 24 hour urine collection to compare to my baseline from 12 weeks.

The fun part of the day was that Gavin got to use the doppler all by himself to listen to the baby's heart beat! (Which was in the 160s for any of you with gender predictions...) He also got to measure my belly, which was right on target. He felt very good about his participation, and I think he has added "Midwife" to his list of potential careers.

In the mean time, I'm fighting against falling into the dark side, where I imagine everything from delivering a preemie next week to ongoing bedrest for the next 2.5 months. I'm resting on the couch now, at least for a short while, and will work on my positive visualizations tonight. I am also trying to get an appointment with Tanya this Sunday as it's been a while, and sessions with her always leave me feeling healthy and peaceful.

Send all the love and positive energy you can spare!!!

Nice Assays

I got my results back from my 20 week blood sample that was tested by a researcher at Harvard who has developed a diagnostic test for pre-e that is in clinical trials. He is the kindest man, and apologized emphatically for getting back to me 7 weeks after testing my blood. The great news is that my assays were NORMAL!!!! The downer is that the test can only predict 6-8 weeks out, so pretty much my normal results indicate what we already know - that I haven't developed preeclampsia in the past 7 weeks. More good news is that he's willing to test my blood again, so I'll have it drawn at my 28 week appointment next week. He promised to call me the day he gets the results.

Otherwise, I'm doing well. Getting bigger every day. I'm maintaining really low blood pressure still in the 100s/60s most of the time. I have added a B Vitamin liquid concoction and a magnesium supplement to my daily regimen, and am trying to eat even more protein, which has led to eating more meat. :( I am still running 2+ miles at a 8:30-9:00 pace several times a week, and lifting weights and doing other strength training exercises. I have gained about 11 pounds, which freaks me out a little since it's not very much. I had already gained 20 pounds by week 27 in my HELLP pregnancy, and then gained about 2 pounds a week for the rest of the pregnancy. It's really nice to not have that weight gain pattern happening.

I did have some pressure in my upper right abdomen recently. It happened a couple nights ago, and again tonight. It was brief and barely noticeable both times, but of course I am overly tuned in. It felt the same way it did last time - like pressure against my ribs, not pain. I can recognize now that it's not the baby, which is what I thought last time. I looked in my pregnancy journal from my HELLP pregnancy and it was exactly at this gestational point last time that I started to make note of feeling pressure. (And my blood pressure at that time was regularly in the 130s/80s.) By week 29 I also had back pain on the upper right side, which I had forgotten. I am not sure if this abdominal pressure is a phantom/memory sensation, or something real. I told Brian about it when it happened tonight and we took my blood pressure, which was 102/68. The pressure is not there now. I'm going to work on my thought patterns this week, focusing on reminding myself that my body will communicate with me if there is a problem, and that I can trust my body and I am listening to it this time. I will also ask to have my blood tested for liver enzymes, platelet function and hemolysis a week from tomorrow at my appointment. Tonight I'm going upstairs to do some meditation and then get to bed a touch earlier than usual.

I'm very excited to meet the midwife at my OB practice at my appointment next week, and to see the baby on an ultrasound again! After feeling sooo strongly for so much of this pregnancy that this baby is a boy, Brian and I both started feeling a strong girl sense this week. It's so fun to not know!

Birth Story Retold

I am going to tell you a story. And it is just that.

.........................

Reluctantly, I closed my eyes and went underwater. At first, I was afraid of drowning. But then I settled into the comfort of the water, the flowy-ness, the weightlessness. I held my breath until I realized that I could breathe there. And I opened my eyes and I could see. There was a warm yellow glow somewhere below me. I swam softly towards it.

I swam all the way to the bottom where I saw a whole community of women who were nurturing, open, loving, friendly and enlightened. They exuded warmth and presence. They welcomed me onto a plush pink sofa, where I sat, then laid down before they led me to the twisting roots at the bottom of an underwater tree. There was a door and I entered into the warmth where there were glowing candle lanterns, brightly colored adornments, artsy things that I loved. It felt like a spiritual home.

I sat in a very old, comfy pink chair and all of the women went with me to collect the ugly brown pieces of the birth story I had been remembering, and to help me patch it together into a story in which I had all that I needed.

One of them stood with me in the yellow kitchen as I took the phone call from Sarah, my midwife. She held my hand and helped me ask the questions I needed to ask to understand what was happening within my body, and what it meant about me and the baby. After I hung up, she reassured me that my baby was okay, and that I'd be okay, and she gave me as much time to process this information as I needed. Time stood still.

Then she held me, and hugged me so warmly as I cried and let myself feel all of the loss, sadness, hopelessness, fear and anger. By the time Brian got home, I was centered and calm, and she helped him understand too. We took our time getting to the hospital and we were never apart.

In the hospital room, the tribe of women surrounded us. The lights were out, and they all had candles and were making me stew. I was so hungry. They removed all of the IVs and monitors from the room and created a safe place of love around the three of us. Brian and I laid  in our own bed, face to face, and held my belly and told the baby that it would all be okay. The women protected us from the doctor's aggressive cervix checking and from the clicking of her heels in the hallway. The halls were quiet and calm, and they pulsated with a vibe that all would be okay. They took all of the clocks off the wall and let us exist in a timeless place. They explained all of the medical things we needed to understand and helped us process our fear, reminding us that I'm healthy, resilient and will be okay.

When we understood that I would need a c-section, and would be given general anesthesia, we were allowed all the time in the world together, just the 3 of us, to feel our love and our connection so that we'd be in a state of love and calm during the physical separation. We listened to beautiful music and laid together in the candlelight in our own bed, warm, with the freezing winter air outside.

Without a word, we knew when it was time for our son to come. The tribe went with us to a loving operating room, where Brian stayed next to me, holding me, while one of the women brushed my hair from my temples, and explained the process, reassuring me of my health and resiliency. She explained that Gavin would be loved, and held, and safe while I took my time waking up to him. He'd be in my arms when I opened my eyes. And when I did, they were all there, smiling, and he was in my arms with Brian next to us. Gavin looked at me right away, and knew me as his mother, and I held him and he nursed easily and happily. We recovered quickly and easily with no medical intervention, and we went home joyfully, feeling safe and supported.

The beautiful white snow covered the earth, while everything else slept beneath it while we got to know each other as a family of three. The holidays came days later with laughter and the joy of sharing our precious new baby with our family and friends. We were taken care of, fed, attended to, and loved by our community and our tribe of wise women, who invited me to come back to my underwater tree whenever I need to go there.

Finally.. A Belly Shot

22 weeks pregnant

Still running and lifting weights. Trying to eat well, but greens have been a turn-off. :( Blood pressure has been 100s/60s!!!! Trying not to get alarmed by the tingly extremities I've been having, an early sign last time. Continuing to work on my healing journey through emotional and spiritual self-work. <3