38 Weeks and Can't Decide What to Do!

I am sitting here with a bottle of castor oil trying to decide what to do.

Tomorrow I turn 38 weeks. The baby has dropped down. I am 2+ cm dilated, with the help of having my membranes swept twice last week. I have had bloody show all week and off and on really crampy contractions as well. But nothing lasts. Overall, I am feeling really good. When I connect with the baby, I feel a sense of patience and peace. I would like to let that be my guide.

I'm just not sure I have that luxury. And I am trying so hard not to be angry or anxious because of that.

My traumatized brain is focused on my lab results, especially my elevated protein level from my weekly 24 hour urine collections. Last week it was 224. They will have to intervene if it gets to 300. While it has fluctuated between 120-240 for the past month, it has been higher than the normal level of 150 all but one time. I'll get my next results back on Tuesday, which has me diving into a race against days, trying to encourage this baby to come before we get to Tuesday and have to worry about a medical induction or repeat c-section. My blood pressure has also been creeping up.. not hypertensive, but just creeping up. Of course, with all that we have going on, that makes sense.

On top of those concerns, my husband is really freaking out. Well, to be fair, we closed on a house last Monday and we're moving on Tuesday so there is a LOT going on for him stress-wise. But he is so scared about my and the baby's health and he just wants the baby to come and the birth to happen to alleviate his anxiety and fear. It's really tough because it's turning into tons of stress and tension, which is not the headspace you want to be in with your partner as your birth approaches.

I knew this would be sooo hard emotionally, this post-HELLP pregnancy. But I am really feeling it as we near the end. I am going to take my second dose of Chinese herbs (for induction) and go for a very long walk. I have also had acupuncture today and yesterday and will go back tomorrow as another mild means of getting things going.

Well, I guess I will walk and take this second dose and see what happens, and will consider taking the castor oil later tonight. I'm afraid of it being too much like my pitocin experience from last time.

Breathe.

Thanks for being out there and sending your support!!