Really Bracing Myself at 29 Weeks

I feel like my health has really taken a turn for the worse in the past two weeks. And, yes, the past two weeks have been especially stressful, emotional and disappointing, so I'm sure that's part of it.

It was about two weeks ago at 27 weeks when the stirrings of epigastric pain started. (Epigastric pain is a telltale sign of preeclampsia.) Right now, it's just a very noticeable pressure under my rib cage on the right side. It comes and goes, but I never have more than a few hours without it, even when relaxing on my left side. When I look back at my pregnancy journal from my HELLP pregnancy, it was right around week 27 when I started to notice "pressure under my right rib cage" that everyone, including me, thought was my big, tall baby stretching out. When I felt this pressure for the first time a couple weeks ago, it was so clear to me that it was the exact same feeling, and that it is not my baby. In my last pregnancy, this pressure slowly evolved into pain, culminating in severe pain and "contractions" at week 39. After listening to me complain about the pressure for a week,  Brian convinced me to call my OB office last Monday, even though my 28 week appointment was a few days away. They were fantastic and immediately got me in with the midwife, who ordered all of the right blood tests and a 24 hour urine collection. She was also very reassuring, as well as so sweet to let Gavin use the doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat all by himself!

Brian and I struggled with a lot of sadness and stress between making the phone call and getting to the appointment, imagining them sending me straight to the hospital, leaving us with either a very early preemie or no mom at home for a long time. Thank goodness I just got to go home. I was back there again on Thursday when I had an ultrasound that showed that all is well with the baby and my uterus right now, so that was a huge relief. On the down side, I found out that I am borderline diabetic and have started a really tough gestational diabetes diet that leaves me trying to eat exactly 30g of carbs 6 times a day, while also getting a lot of protein, aiming for 2000+ calories, and avoiding my food allergies. It's quite a puzzle that is stressing me out, as well as leaving me hungry and ill-satisfied. Thanks to my good friend, Addie, I'll have a blood monitor in a couple of days and will be monitoring my blood sugar 4 times a day. I also got the results late yesterday from my 24 hour urine. We already know that my HELLP pregnancy damaged my kidney in such a way that my protein will always be a little borderline high. When the nurse called yesterday she said that the results had been "inconclusive" and that a doctor would call me on Monday. She was sweet and apologized for such vague information, then told me that usually an "inconclusive" result is not a concern. But it's certainly not fun to wait all weekend to find out. I also mailed another blood sample to Ananth, who will be testing it hopefully next week and telling me what my prognosis may be for the next 6-8 weeks. In other disappointing news, my blood pressure was up for 48 hours and got a little scary yesterday when the highest reading at the end of the work day was 128/88. While not technically "hypertensive" it's 20-25 points higher than it's been for this entire 29 weeks of pregnancy. The numbers from yesterday are looking a lot more like my HELLP pregnancy. :( The good news? It is back down again today. Now I struggle with when to quit working.

It's times like these that the reality of having a "high risk pregnancy" really hits. Most days, I feel pretty good, and keep myself centered, positive and as calm as I can in our chaotic, urban, parenting, working lives. Just like last time, I appear to everyone else to be "super healthy." My belly is about the only place you can see my pregnancy. I am working out, even still running 9-10 minute miles and lifting weights pretty intensely every Saturday. Yes, you would think I am healthy.

Knowing that I feel myself slipping into a negative thought pattern about this pregnancy, I have scheduled a session with Tanya for tomorrow afternoon. I will hopefully post something a lot more positive after that. I can already imagine her reminding me that my body has always told me when there's a problem in the past, and that my connection to my body and its signals is strong. She'll also remind me that it's not useful or helpful to tell myself about the potential negative outcomes if nothing is actually happening. It is more helpful to tell myself that there is still a good chance that I'm going to be able to carry this baby to full term, go into labor on my own, and deliver this child naturally. Imagine it with me, will ya?