Finding "The One"

I cannot tell you how hard the decision of choosing a doctor has become. We are in Chicago, a city saturated with obstetricians, and home to several top hospitals for women's health. You'd think it would be easy. I've spent countless hours asking friends, asking strangers, reading reviews online, looking on VBAC websites and making an insane spreadsheet of my findings. Just when I think I find someone, there's an issue. There's just no perfect situation, so we're stuck feeling like we are gambling on the "best bet."

Today, we had an appointment with Dr. B. Our monitrice who we LOVE recommended her very strongly, and said that if we want a trauma-sensitive OB who will be patient with me if/when I try to VBAC, she's the one. Well, after an initial phone call to her practice had me on hold for over 30 minutes, and the nurse never returned my call, I still called again and made an appointment because Tanya feels so strongly about her. I was soooo excited for our appointment today. When I was pregnant with G, we heard his heart beat with the doppler at our first prenatal appointment and it was magic! Instead of a happy time like that, we were stuck in an exam room for TWO HOURS, starving and nauseous because they'd called me to come in earlier than scheduled so I had no time to prepare my snacks. By the time we arrived, Dr. B. had to leave for an emergency. Another sweet doctor, Dr. D., agreed to see us, but finished up with all of her scheduled appointments before taking us. We literally sat in an exam room, me half-undressed with a sheet across my lap, for two freaking hours.

I'm a therapist who works with a lot of trauma survivors. I talk a lot about "emotional safety" when it comes to trauma. Let me tell you. Sitting in an exam room half-naked with a blood pressure cuff hanging next to me is NOT emotionally safe for me!!!!!

I am scared that if we don't go with Dr. B's practice that we won't be able to find a doctor who would support me in a VBAC. I labored via pitocin, while under a heavy dose of magnesium sulfate, for 30 hours with no pain meds the first time around. It was ugly. My body was shutting down and eventually, after pushing for 2.5 hours (with no urge to push) my contractions completely stopped and I literally thought I was going to die. We consented to a c-section under general anesthesia and minutes later G was born. Any doctor we've talked to who hears that story swiftly recommends a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks. Now, I'm not some crazy VBAC-or-bust nutcase. But I do want to work with someone who is at least open to letting me try if I stay healthy. Is that so much to ask for?

I am trying not to be completely let down. I'm still trying to hang onto my undying hopefulness and went ahead and made appointments with Dr. B. for my 12, 16 and 20 week appointments. But if one single thing doesn't feel emotionally safe at 12 weeks, I'm outta there. We have an appointment with Dr. V. this coming Thursday. She specializes in hypertensive disorders of pregnancy but I fear she may not support me in a VBAC.

Did I mention that Dr. B's practice gave me infant formula?!?!! That pisses me off to no end. First, it's unsupportive of breastfeeding. Second, I'm only 7 weeks and they're already dumping that stuff on me. Ugh. It's going to be really hard doing this mainstream this time around.

The search continues... the clock is ticking...

7 Weeks Pregnant

Blood pressure check-in:
108/55 this morning
115/76 at my appointment

Weight check-in:
149 (no gain yet)