Keeping Calm

I just got back from my weekly midwife appointment. I have a lot of news, a lot of numbers, a lot of anxiety, and a lot of feelings. I'm going to share it all here to just get it out so I can clear my head and start my work day.

• My results for my 32 week bloodwork came back great! My platelets were 185,000! And liver function, uric acid, proteins... all looked great!
• However, my results from my 32 week 24 hour urine collection came back high. The level is supposed to be under 150 and it was 174.9. For scale, 300 is severe preeclampsia. Now, I never had proteinuria in my last pregnancy and I've been told I may have some slight kidney damage from HELLP Syndrome that would make my proteins a bit high. But my 12 week results were normal, and my 28 week results were "inconclusive" which was read as having levels too low to read, so normal. I am really nervous about this one. Amy, the midwife I met with this morning is consulting with the head midwife, Gayle, this afternoon so I will know more later today.
• My blood pressure was good today. 120/70.
• I now have to do Non-Stress Tests (NSTs) for the baby at every appointment. This involves sitting in a recliner for 20 minutes with fetal monitors on my belly. (These are the same fetal monitors I'll have to wear during labor, only I'll be able to be mobile and also get in the tub or shower.) Today's NST was great! It was really neat to see how when I relaxed or talked to the baby calmly that her/his heart rate went down. Starting at week 35 (I'm at the end of 33 now) I'll have to do these NSTs twice a week!
• I have to have weekly ultrasounds for a biophysical exam of the baby. Just another extra thing. As of now, things look wonderful!
• I have to have my blood drawn for HELLP-related tests every week now. 4 or 5 vials. They'll check my liver function, platelet count, hemoglobin and hemocrit (I think), uric acid and some other things. So far so good on this stuff.
• I am still dealing with some concerns about gestational diabetes. The midwives told me today that I do have gestational diabetes. There was confusion at my former OB practice about whether or not I'm diagnosable as they used a brand new test. I only had 1 of the 3 results come back high, and only a couple points high. However, the midwives, who aren't yet using tihs new test, looked into the diagnostic criteria and found that having one number high is diagnosable. They drew blood today to test my A1C. Since Tuesday night, I've been monitoring my blood glucose myself 4 times a day. So far, I have been within normal range. I seem to have a worse time when I'm not eating. There is potentially a relationship between HELLP and glucose intolerance. So when I haven't eaten in a while (like overnight) my body is producing glucose like a normal person, but then not responding in a normal way to balance it out and keep it from going overboard. This type of diabetic response is more like a Type 1 insulin resistant type, so dietary changes aren't necessarily the answer, but they're still asking me to limit my carbs. I'm trying very hard to eat 30-40g of carbs 6 times a day. I'm getting used to the finger pricking and time tracking, as well as the breaks between snacks as I have to wait two hours after eating to test my blood. I have been soooooooo hungry!!!
• I am feeling very, very anxious. My traumatized self is ready to kick into action, preparing as best I can for an early baby or a huge disappointment in not being able to deliver in the Alternative Birthing Center. My whole self is still feeling good. Healthy. Excited. Somewhat calm. Patient. But days like today, I just get totally thrown off by something like a high protein count in my 24 hour urine collection, something that's never "gone wrong" before. I've even been able to keep a pretty straight head despite my glucose issues. 
• I am spending a lot of energy focusing on the baby and connecting to her/him. We are reassuring each other. This baby is so constant, reliable, patient, peaceful and optimistic. It's really amazing energy to be carrying inside your body. When I go there.. to the baby's energy... I feel calm, happy and excited. I don't worry about all of the details and numbers and problems. I'm trying to keep myself there....