Last Quarter Game Change - Week 30

What a roller coaster! Last time I wrote I was coming off the back end of an emotionally turbulent phase and I was in a really bad place. A traumatized place, to be sure. Even as someone who works intimately with trauma in my profession, it was hard to recognize the barrage of physical symptoms I was experiencing as an outlet for my traumatic stress response. In this pregnancy, exactly when I rounded the corner into the gestational time when my symptoms started last time, I had a flurry of symptoms so believable and *real* that I believed them, despite all evidence pointing in the direction that I'm healthy. Sometimes it feels like my brain splits in half - with one side operating from a healthy-minded, holistic, self-aware, trusting place, and the other half in reaction mode, anxious, hypervigilant and craving negative energy. And that other half, my friend, is the ugly animal that is PTSD.

After my last post, I regrouped, centered myself, had a hypnotherapy appointment with Tanya, and was able to leave that traumatized place where I'd been. The physical impact of the traumatic stress response is amazing. My blood pressure, which had been up 20+ points for 2 days, dropped immediately back down to the low 100s/60s where it's consistently been for this whole pregnancy. My thinking totally changed. So much so that I've totally re-assessed my health and my birth dreams and I'm making a serious last minute change of plans that has me so ecstatically happy and hopeful!!

I am switching my prenatal care at just about the last week possible to a group of midwives who deliver at one of Illinois' only true alternative birthing centers. (Don't get me started on the politics of birth in this state.) My OB group has been great at caring for the traumatized pregnant woman that I was in the beginning of this pregnancy, but I see with so much clarity now that I am healthy, this baby is healthy. This pregnancy is, dare I say, normal. My whole conscious life I have dreamed of a certain kind of birth experience, one that was impossible last time around, improbable at best at the hospital where the OBs deliver, and I want it more now than ever. Not only that, I believe whole-heartedly that I will have a wonderful, peaceful and loving experience this time! I am so excited I can hardly stand it!

Tanya helped me see this as an option I hadn't even thought was possible. She anticipated this shift with incredible intuition and care, and had spoken with the practice before our last session to make sure they would allow my transfer, given my late gestation, HELLP history, and VBAC scenario. I had a consult with Gayle, the founding midwife of the practice a few days later and just knew it was the right thing. I am grateful that my (also traumatized) husband was supportive of the plan, especially since his Virgo heart struggles with veering off-plan. Gayle explained that there would be some less-than-ideal situations given that I'd be having a VBAC, but she made me feel so healthy and normal despite those things, giving me so much confidence that it's possible to have a natural birth! I was surprised to learn that the fetal monitor (a super annoying and large belly belt that I had to wear during my 30 hours of Pitocin labor last time) is actually water proof, so even though it's required for a VBAC, I can still labor and birth in the tub, a long time dream!! Gayle was so warm, loving, positive, hopeful and human. It was a world away from even the very best interaction I've ever had with any OB. I remember when I set out to find a provider this time around I was looking for "an OB who's as much like a midwife as possible." That just doesn't exist! Part of my (traumatized) reasoning was wanting to have an actual relationship with the surgeon who would perform a C-section should I end up needing one, after such a terrible experience last time. But I was denying myself an entire pregnancy-worth of loving care for that one detail. And the midwives have a great back-up OB who's a stellar surgeon, as well as a friendly, warm and collaborative healthcare partner to the team of midwives. I am super excited to hear that we don't have to worry about the kind of awful tension and conflict that we experienced last time between our midwife and OB.

Anyway, this is like a brand new day in my life and I am so excited that this pregnancy journey has landed me here, where I'm able to make a decision based on love. <3

ps- I got my 28 week results back from Ananth hours after meeting with Gayle, and I am still in the normal range on everything!! That gets me a huge vote of confidence through week 34-6. I'll be resending my blood at week 32 just to get me that good news through to the end!